Waking nightmare

Coming back after so long to this place to jot down my thoughts, on a cold Tuesday morning. I had just woken up from a deep slumber. Feel tired though. Then a close friend told me about something, so I went and checked it out. Feels like opening Pandora’s box in my heart and all the previous feelings or thoughts that I had meticulously locked away got opened up and tossed on the floor.

To sum it up, it feels like waking up from a weird dream to a waking nightmare. Well I make it sound so terrible, when in actual fact, I’m pretty sure it isn’t. Yet people say, the mind does not agree with the heart sometimes. I know that things are different, that I should be doing what I’m supposed to do, but somehow I’m giving other people the impression that I’m still stuck and holding out hope.

Then again, how do people define hope? Perhaps, for others, it seems like holding out hope simply means hoping for some kind of reciprocation. This gets really dangerous, especially if the line was drawn and yet blurred again, partly because the other party felt that things have changed and it is safe to do so. Have things changed? Definitely. Yet, is it safe to assume that things will be better, rainbows will start popping up and unicorns will prance around in your dreamland?

No. Coz’ it takes a lot of hard work to get to where I am, and it will take a lot more hard work to get to where I hope I can be.

I know fully well that the line between “pathetic” and “virtuous” is awfully thin. So for a majority of people, I would be seen as a pathetic guy. Then again, nobody really knows how I feel because nobody has ever gotten into my head before, for the simple reason that I don’t let anyone in. So nobody should ever have the tenacity to judge me or judge my actions.

Why? For the simple reason that I myself have no idea what I’m doing, or what should I do. I only have a simple desire that people understand why I do what I do.

Often times I see guys in movies being such a romantic and holding out for the girl they love, and girls in real life would swoon and complain how unfaithful guys nowadays are. In real life, guys who are romantic and loyal gets pushed away, and girls go run after the jerks. I’ve seen it way too many times that subconsciously I get deeply annoyed when I hear anyone implying that guys aren’t loyal. Okay so perhaps there are a few assholes out there. That doesn’t mean we get to be lumped together in the same basket.

So back to my point. Perhaps I’m just trying to prove something, but what it is, I don’t know. Or being unable to let go, or rather, letting go at a rate that is way too slow for normal people, is my curse. Either that, I have already let go and I myself don’t want to accept the true simple fact.

No, I’m not being emotional or sad. Just being reminiscent and viewing the whole thing objectively, in this tiny window of time when I know I can be objective. Perhaps my heart has trouble letting go because it feels that doing so also means letting go of all the memories that I cherish so much. Coz’ it sure damn feels that way. If something didn’t come to fruition at the end, isn’t everything along the way mere fragments of what should have been? And that’s just pathetic, in my opinion. Fragments that decay and become useless, covered in dust only to be rediscovered a few years later, buried deep and causing pain without actually having an end.

So let me tell you a story. Back in secondary school, I had this huge crush on a girl that refused to reciprocate the feeling, for the simple reason that, well, I was a jerk (see the irony of the good guy-bad guy conundrum now?). I was deeply hurt, and when we finished secondary school, my pride refuses to let me talk to her. Do what she wants, I’d say. Go away and be merry with your own life, and me with mine, I’d whine. Then for 2 years, filled with wisdom and growth, I finally gained the sense enough to know that I was really stupid for doing all that. So we got back in touch, and what happened after was really beautiful. A true friendship that transcends traditional boundaries blossomed, and it was filled with trust, honesty and intimacy.

What I’m trying to say is, for some people, the resolution is simply to move on. Yet for me, I just wish to say to my heart, hey, let’s see what’s at the end. I know I cannot compare what I had in secondary school with what I’m having now. People pick up experience from life’s crap and grow. At least that’s how I see it. So why, then, should a bad experience just mean that the particular chapter in my life has to be closed there and then?

What would the point be if one were to just stop and leave everything behind? I feel like that period of life would be wasted, without any kind of fruit of wisdom or rich experience. Isn’t that more pathetic?

My worldview is different, and because of that, how I respond to pain and disappointment is also different. Yes, I’m a hopeless romantic, and yes, I’m unbelievably faithful if I choose to, but that doesn’t mean I am pathetic. Okay maybe I am, but from my point of view, I’m just doing what I feel is right – and if that means to waddle, neck-high in crap, through another long period filled with pain, then screw common sense, I’m waddling.

Neck held high, like a boss.

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